Fall

I’ve never liked fall. I do’t really have anything against it. I like the pretty leaves. I like that the weather gets colder. I do like summer the best, but I appreciate the seasons, too.

There’s just something about the air, though. You know that cool crisp feeling? Even on warm days, you have that cool weather feel.

That air smell. It reminds me of something.

Going back to school as a kid. I was always so nervous for the first few days.

I felt insecure. I didn’t know where things were. I didn’t know my teacher. I didn’t know my new classmates. That new feeling scared me.

It’s not the normal feeling. it’s the feeling brought back by my mom. The feeling of being alone and insecure.

I don’t know where that comes from exactly. I know she was in and out of the hospital. But I don’t remember that really bothering me. Maybe it did and I”m forgetting.

It was that scared feeling of that I wouldn’t have anyone. That feeling has always been deep inside. Its there even if my rational part of my brain knows it to be untrue. Even when I know I have friends and adults around me that care.

I thought about it all when I took a walk today. My husband took our 4 kids (baby stayed with me) out for the day because he needed I needed a recharge. They were off to the library and then to pick up the dog from the groomer and then to gymnastics. Then I asked them to stop by the store, too.

I decided to go for a walk just to get outside. And to get both Jolie and I fresh air. It’s nice to have time to think. Those feelings have been bottled up inside of me since I don’t even know when. I saw a counselor last year who told me to write things down and try to figure out the root of my insecurities. I need to plan more of this time to be able to think and connect feelings together.

That air on the walk. It really did remind me of something.